Sharing the Pacifism

I am a selfish pacifist.

As a self imposed challenge, I played Skyrim as a pacifist. I wanted to try a new way of playing the game. The goal was to get as far in the main quest without killing anything. The only exception was killing the antagonist Alduin who devoured souls.  I expected to be a hero, but I became something more disturbing.

I was expected to reach heaven by violence. Alduin resided in Sovengarde, the Nordic equivalent of Heaven. To complete my quest, I had to slay Alduin despite my pacifistic tendencies. I needed to avoid violence yet become powerful enough to kill Alduin. I once understood power as killing quickly and efficiently. Pacifism revealed a new path to power: I could reach Heaven through deceit.

I used dishonorable tactics to win encounters. For example, I needed an item called the Dragonstone from an enemy. Killing him is the only way I could retrieve that item. Sneaking around him gave me an opportunity to plan how to dispose of him without violating my rules. I casted illusions to manipulate his actions and lead him into a swinging axe. I wouldn’t fight fair.

I possessed a conflicting moral compass. I refused to kill and caused suffering in unequal amounts. I stole the entire savings of struggling families to pay for my equipment. I robbed ancient burial grounds and desecrated Nordic cultural history. I enchanted my equipment with souls, not letting Alduin stealing the source of my power. I didn’t kill; I made other people suffer instead.

I am much less of a hero then I thought I was. Maybe I’m not a hero at all.

My pacifism only serves me.